Monday, July 11, 2005

Trying to Understand

This must be the year of break ups. In the last 4 months alone I’ve seen 5 of my close friends break up with /or be dumped by their long term partners. All these couples have been together for at least 3 years and some even up to 6. Because Jacky and I have been together for so long I sometimes assume that other people are just like us; if they argue they will work it out and that all will be fine, especially when all this time has been invested.

This year has been a big wake up call in that things don’t always work out the way we expect and sometimes it’s actually for the best. It’s probably the dreamer in me that expects happy endings all the time – and you what? In some cases maybe the break up is the happy ending for the couple involved.

I also always assumed that being the dumper was better than being dumped, that way there would be less pain involved. Not true my friend assures me, the guilt and the pain that you feel of deeply hurting someone you love is a very hard thing to have to live with. For her, 5-6 months down the track things are not any easier.

I’ve never had an ex. I don’t know what it feels like to have one or how you would feel seeing them after x amount of time. Do you really reach a stage where you see them with someone else and it doesn’t bother you? Not even just a little? and what if the shoe is on the other foot where you are the new girlfriend/boyfriend and your new partner is the one with the long history with their ex? does that bug you?

I know this is a touchy issue, but if you are kind enough to share please comment.

10 comments:

PiCkLeS said...

Thanks everyone for all the msn and icq messages! took me by suprise! you all know who you are.

I definitely value your insight.

Rowena said...

Hey emily....

Man, you could not have said this at a better time. It's hard especially when they are all you've known most of all of your 'mature' years. I don't think there's anything more painful than seeing your ex has moved on and you're still hoping for a miracle.

But such is life and I suppose you can only get comfort from the phrases: 'things happen for a reason' and 'things get easier everyday'...

Rowena said...

Hey emily....

Man, you could not have said this at a better time. It's hard especially when they are all you've known most of all of your 'mature' years. I don't think there's anything more painful than seeing your ex has moved on and you're still hoping for a miracle.

But such is life and I suppose you can only get comfort from the phrases: 'things happen for a reason' and 'things get easier everyday'...

PiCkLeS said...

This particular post has triggered a lot of response and in one particular email debate, I made the point that in some cases I stress SOME, people give up too easily (I’m obviously talking about relationships that are quite serious). even for Jacky and I it hasn’t been smooth sailing over the last 7 years (not even close) but we make things work. There will always be times when you question if you see yourself with that person. What I learnt from my experience is that if I am happy now that’s all that matters, who knows what the future holds.

My friends argument was (as quoted directly) "Like I said there is a stage in a relationship where you think that’s it you just cannot go on as you both start to realise you want different things, your direction in life may have changed to when you first started to go out.

People should work on relationships I agree with you but how much can you work on a relationship when people start to feel different to each other. Also wouldn’t you rather break off a relationship then just stay with someone for the sake of the time you have been with them and risk high levels of infidelity..."

I see her point too. There is never a right answer is there.

Betty said...

After 2 years apart, I heard the news that he was seeing someone else for the first time and everything felt so raw. Suddenly "maybe one day..." was a figment of my imagination and the comfort zone that I had created for myself had disappeared. It takes a big person to walk away from a futile relationship and I applaud those who have. Take comfort in the fact that you have made the right decision and know that you are stronger for making that choice.

petals said...

I'm speaking from experience here...

I left my ex and it was one of the most painful things I had done, to myself as much as him. You feel horrible to think that you have caused so much pain to someone, especially someone who loves you and who honestly is a genuine person.

But at the end of the day, I realised that it would be worse off for the both of us if I continued to pretend that I was fine with the way things were, because I wasnt.

I didnt love him or cared as much as he did about me. And that was simply not fair for him (among other reasons as to why I broke it off). Although it may have hurt him to hear that I no longer wanted to be with him...in the end I think it helped him realise that he deserved better than me...(putting it in a nice way, because I cant think of another term to word it).

Or at least, helped him realise that he deserved someone to love him equally back.

Bosco said...

Petals, I surprisingly identify with your situation. I have been there as that guy, and I've felt all the pain and confusion associated with it...

I think the imbalance of emotion within a relationship is the most painful thing, for both. Particularly the one that feels the most.

However, I do think that it would be nice at least to give love a go. I think, quite often, there are people, particularly those that have been hurt in the past, that will not emotionally open themselves to the possibility of loving someone.

I've been both guarded emotionally, as well as been open to loving someone in relationships. My conclusion is that loving someone is possibly the 2nd best feeling after being loved. No matter the consequences or the emotional trauma that love brings, I would be willing to love again.

Therefore, I think its important that both individuals that get into a relationship in the first place need to realise being open emotionally, as well as being able to communicate with each other is the success to the relationship's longivity. That being said, finding someone that feels the same on these issues is admittedly rather difficult.

Meyshia said...

It is possible to have two people love each other equally as much or as little? How is love measured anyway... What does it mean when someone loves another 'less'. If my capacity to love another human being was 'x', assuming there is a limit, as long as my capacity is full, will that still be regarded as less compared to someone else who had a bigger capacity to love? No matter how much or little you know how to love someone, only you would know if there's anything stopping that part of your heart to be filled. Whether it be doubt, concerns, frustrations, little things... if ignored, it will grow like a tumour, silently inside until it dries everything up.

Thanks for the insights you guys have offered to share on this thread. 'give love a go'! Be true, be open and I hope we all enjoy the ride.

"Spend like you don't need the money,
dance like nobody's watching and
love like you've never been hurt."

Lisa said...

Its so hard break ups, it's been over a year, and I would still want to die if i found out my ex was seeing someone else. I dont know if time heals wounds, maybe we just learn to live life differently...

Bosco said...

Time will heal wounds. Though, I think the time necessary is determined by the strength of feelings you once had for the ex, the amount of sweet memorable things that you guys have built up and your overall sentimentality.

I know, it is pretty difficult when everything you do, everywhere you go, to the extent where little things such as the scent on a passbyer triggers vivid memories of your ex. But by being out there and trying to establish something new experiences, creating new memories for yourself will without a doubt reduce the amount of association of these little things to your ex.

It's not just time. Sometimes, it's also the willingness to try and forget and move on. I myself is still trying to put this all to practice.

Though i believe through all of it, knowing yourself, knowing whats best for you and knowing your value as a person holds it all together and gives you strength.